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CONTROLLING
ANGER—BEFORE IT CONTROLS YOU We
all know what anger is, and we’ve all felt it: whether as
a fleeting annoyance or as a full-fledged rage.
Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion.
But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can
lead to problems: problems
at work, in your personal relationships and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make
you feel as though you’re at
the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion. This brochure is
meant to help you to understand and get a
handle on handling anger.
WHAT
IS ANGER?
Anger
is “an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage,” according to Charles
Spielberger, Ph.D., a psychologist who specializes in the study
of anger. Like other
emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as does the level of your energy hormones, adrenalin and noradrenalin.
THE
NATURE OF ANGER
Anger
can be caused by both external and internal events. You
could be angry at a specific person (Such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or
your anger could be caused by
worrying or brooding about your personal
problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also
trigger angry feelings.
EXPRESSING
ANGER
The
instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond
aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats;
it inspires powerful, often
aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which
allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A
certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.
On
the other hand, we can’t physically lash out at every
person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms
and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.
People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are
expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry
feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the
healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn
how to make clear what your
needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn’t mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others. Anger
can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected.
This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it
and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or
suppress your anger and
convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn’t allowed
outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself.
Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure
or depression. Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything and making cynical comments haven’t learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren’t likely to have many successful relationships. Finally, you can calm yourself down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down and let the feelings subside. As Dr. Spielberger notes, “when none of these three techniques work, that’s when someone - or something—is going to get hurt.” ANGER
MANAGEMENT
The
goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional
feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes.You can’t get rid of, or avoid,
the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your
reactions.
ARE
YOU TOO ANGRY?
There
are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how prone to anger you are and how well you
handle it. But chances are
good that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find yourself acting in ways that
seem out of control and frightening, you might need help finding
better ways to deal with
this emotion.
WHY ARE SOME PEOPLE MORE ANGRY THAN OTHERS? According to Jerry Deffenbacher, Ph.D., a psychologist who specializes in anger management, some people are really more “hotheaded” than others; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person. There are also those who don’t show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don’t always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk or get physically ill. People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience or annoyance. They can’t take things in stride, and they’re particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake. What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be genetic or physiological; there is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we’ve taught that it’s all right to express anxiety, depression or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don’t learn how to handle it or channel it constructively. Research
has also found that family background plays a role.
Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic and not skilled at
emotional communications. IS
IT GOOD TO “LET IT ALL HANG OUT”?
Psychologists
now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this theory as a license
to hurt others. Research has found that “letting it rip” with anger actually escalates
anger and
aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you’re angry with) resolve the situation. It’s best to find out what
it is that
triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to deep those triggers from topping you over the edge.
In addition, anger
tends to deplete your immune system, elevate your blood
pressure, and can contribute to a variety of physical problems. STRATEGIES CAN YOU USE TO KEEP ANGER AT BAY RELAXATION
Simple
relaxation tools such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn them you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both
partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these
techniques. Some
simple steps you can try:
Practice
these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you’re in
a tense situation. Cognitive Restructuring. Simply
put, this means changing the way you think.
Angry people tend to curse, swear or speak in highly colorful
terns that reflect their inner thoughts. When you’re angry, your
thinking can get very
exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more
rational ones. For instance, instead of telling
yourself, “oh, it’s awful, it’s terrible, everything’s
ruined,” tell
yourself, “it’s frustrating, and it’s understandable that I’m
upset about it, but it’s not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow.” Be careful of words like “never” or “always” when
talking about yourself or someone else.
“This machine never works,” or “you’re always forgetting things” are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there’s no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution. For example, you have a friend who is constantly late when you make plans to meet. Don’t go on the attack; think instead about the goal you want to accomplish (that is, getting you and your friend there at about the same time). So avoid saying things like, “You’re always late! You’re the most irresponsible, inconsiderate person I have ever met!” The only goal that accomplishes is hurting and angering your friend. State
what the problem is, and try to find a solution that works for both of
you; or take matters into your won hands by, for
instance, setting your meeting time a half-hour earlier so that your friend will, in fact, get there on time, even if you have to
trick him or her into doing it! Either way, the problem is solved
and the friendship isn’t damaged. Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won’t make you
feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).
Logic
defeats anger, because anger, even when it’s justified,
can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on
yourself. Remind yourself
that the world is “not out to get you,” you’re
just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it’ll
help you get a
more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement,
willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all
hurt and disappointed when
we don’t get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren’t met, their
disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their
demanding nature and translate
their expectations into desires. In other words, saying “I would like” something is healthier than saying “I
demand” or “I must
have” something. When you’re unable to get what you want, you
will experience the normal reactions—frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn’t mean the hurt goes away.
PROBLEM-SOLVING
Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it’s a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn’t always the case. The best attitude to bring such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution but rather on how you handle and face the problem. Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. (People who have trouble with planning might find a good guide to organizing or time management helpful.) Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn’t come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts, and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away. BETTER
COMMUNICATION
Angry
people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be pretty wild. The first thing to do, if you are in a heated discussion, is to slow
down and think through
your responses. Don’t say the first thing that comes into
your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want
to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering. Listen,
too, to what is underlying
the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your “significant
other” wants more
connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don’t retaliate by painting
you partner as a jailer, a
warden or an albatross around your neck.
It’s
natural to get defensive when you’re criticized, but don’t
fight back. Instead, listen to what’s underlying the
words: the message that this person might feel neglected and
unloved. It may take
a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don’t let your anger—or a
partner’s—let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one. USING
HUMOR
“Silly
humor” can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to
them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. if you’re at work and you think of a co-worker as a “t-bag” or a
“single-cell life form,” for example,
picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleagues desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like.
This will take a lot of the
edge off your fury; and humor can always be
relied on to help un-knot a tense situation. The underlying message of highly
angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is “things oughta go my way!” Angry people tend to feel that they are
morally correct, that any
blocking or changing of their plans is an
unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them.
When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being a little unreasonable; you’ll also realize how unimportant the things you’re angry about really are. There
are two cautions in using humor. First, don’t try to
just “laugh off” your problems; rather, use humor to help
yourself face them more
constructively. Second, don’t give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that’s just another form of unhealthy anger expression. What these
techniques have in common is a refusal to
take yourself to seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but
it’s often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can
make you laugh. CHANGING
YOUR ENVIRONMENT
Sometimes
it’s our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the trap you seem to have
fallen into, and all the
people and things that form that trap. Give
yourself a break. Make sure you have some “personal time” scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first
fifteen this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to
handle demands from her
kids without blowing up at them. Some other tips for easing up on yourself:
Timing:
if you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—perhaps you’re tired, or distracted, or
maybe it’s just habit—try changing the times when you talk about
important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.
Avoidance: if your child's chaotic room makes you furious every
time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what
infuriates you. Don't say "well, my child should clean up the room
so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to
keep yourself calm.
Finding alternatives: if your daily commute through traffic
leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project
-- learn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more
scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.
DO
YOU NEED COUNSELING?
If
you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts
of your life, you might consider counseling to learn how to
handle it better. A
psychologist or other licensed mental health
professional can work with you in developing a range of
techniques for changing
your thinking and you behaviors.
When
you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have
problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask about his or her approach to anger management. Make sure this isn’t only a course of action designed to “put you in touch
with your feelings and express them”—that may be precisely what your
problem is.
With
counseling, psychologists say, a highly angry person can
move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks,
depending on circumstances and the techniques used.
WHAT
ABOUT ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING?
It’s
true that angry people need to learn to become assertive
(rather than aggressive), but most books and courses on
developing assertiveness are aimed at people who don’t feel enough
anger. These people are more passive and acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let others walk all over them. That isn’t something most angry people do. Still, these books can contain some useful tactics to use in frustrating situations. Remember,
you can’t eliminate anger—and it wouldn’t be a good idea if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will always happen that will cause you anger. Life will always be filled with frustration, pain, loss and the unpredictable actions of others. You can’t change that; but you can change
the way you let
such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you even more unhappy in the long run.
The American Psychological Association (APA) located in Washington, D.C., is the largest scientific and professional organization representing psychology in the United States and is the world’s largest association of psychologists. APA’s membership includes more than 132,000 practitioners, researchers, educators, consultants and students. Through its divisions in 49 subfields of psychology and affiliations with 58 state and territorial and Canadian provincial associations, APA works to advance psychology as a science, as a profession and as a means of promoting human welfare. American Psychological Association
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